RRRRRAAAAAANNNNNNNTTTTTT!!!!

Following in the footsteps of some blogging greats, I have decided to get a few rants off my chest....

- Moving Day in Quebec....

This is probably my biggest rant as everyone in Montreal is temporarily homeless on the 1st of July. Well not everyone, but almost... The whole city goes nuts as people are moving from one appartment to the next. The majority of leases are up on the 1st of July, so the night before you have to be packed up and out by morning onto your new domicile. We are like crazy-ass nomads. Nomads do it all the time, but their lifestyle facilitates their frequent moves. Try moving awkwardly shaped armoires with no hand holds that are made of the heaviest woods imaginable up a narrow flight of twisty stairs. It sucks. Everyone is moving, no one can come help you move, all the moving trucks are rented...

Do-gooders of the world! Come to Montreal and help people move!!!

I think its a big conspiracy to get Montrealers to forget Canada Day... I know I haven't truly celebrated it in years because of this issue!!!


- white-suburban homeboys

I dont get it... why do people think this is cool? When white kids dress up in really big clothes and then act all tough and make life difficult for others. (I feel so ridiculously old as I type this. Ya know? Like one of those old guys yelling at technology from his rocking chair on the front porch). I dont know why it bothers me so much. But to see them posturing wearing althletic wear when they aren't athletes or fans. Can you name me one person on the New York Yankees? Because based on the amount of NY gear you are wearing you should own the team. Can you even tell me what sport they play? I think its just a great waste of generation... They are ripping off someone else's lifestyle... live your own!


- tank top undershirts (aka wifebeaters)

Unfortunately not everyone can pull off this look. I cant... not a chance... so I dont do it. Unless you are guy that is really jacked and in shape or an attractive girl (cause that is really hot looking) do not wear these as an outershirt! The only exception to this rule is if you are a really, really, really fat guy. Cause at that point you can wear whatever the hell you want... it can look cool or funny. Either way... I am amused. In between guys.... you just look like rejects from an early 90's boy band audition. Sorry... someone has got to tell you.


I am a horrible and shallow person for letting these things get to me... what can i do? Forgive me people!

random urinals and cleansing vibrators...

Bagged skeleton in grocery, originally uploaded by impactmatt.

I just thought that today i would plug in some completely random thoughts that have gone through my head recently. Some are funny, some are stupid, some may be in poor taste... so be warned!

-at the urinals-

while I am peeing, pissing, making wee-wee in public washrooms I have noticed that there are two major brands of urinals. The frist one and more common is Crane. The logo usually involves some majestic looking crane on the side of the porcelain depository right next to 3.8liters per flush. I find it humorous that this majestic creature represents where I pee. My dad always goes on about how beautiful and graceful they are, i just think of urinating.

the other brand of urinals that make me laugh is "ZURN" I always pronounce it as "zee-urine." On top of that I through in a German accent a la Turkish from the movie Snatch. The name is genius though. Just seeing the name, you have a very clear idea of their business.

Snatch!!! thats a funny name for a movie. So many double meanings... triple meanings even!

-on TV-

it has been said before by friends and other blogs, but I can't get over these men's hair and facial hair dye commercials. In the olden days it was all about hiding your grays and you had these reformed lumberjack looking guys in bad suits happily brushing in dye to their face or head. They had some really impressive beards. Thicker than the darkest amazon jungle. Now the ads are all about "just a tough of grey." These men are much older and now are being told that keeping a touch of grey keeps you sophisticated, more so than their lumberjack predecessors. And now the men are significantly older and are now doing crazy stunts. They are waterskiing and having beach parties with girls a third of their age and they are the life of the party, because they have "a touch of grey!"

another commercial that gets me is covergirl or revlon or oil of olay or dove... one of those brands talking about vibrating cleansers. This is something that you put on your face and well its supposed to shake loose all the bad stuff on your face and somehow make your skin smooth and shiny. How bizarre! What happened to soap? With all the advances in modern skin care science with every product under the sun we need vibrating cleansers now? You know what would work and would make a lot of money? Cleansing vibrators!!! How about that ad? Wouldn't be able to show that one on primetime tv!

and the skeleton in the bag???? i have no clue. That was in a grocery store near my house two years ago and I thought it was a little bit of overkill. The guy is already dead! Are you worried about the boogeyman and have decided to suffocate him just to be on the safe side?

sorry dumb comment, but hopefully it got your attention!

for poor

So I went to church the other day... that wouldn't surprise some people, but I guess some people would be surprised. I have nothing against church. I used to enjoy it. I loved getting caught up in meeting people and trying to wow them with your Sunday best. There were pizza nights and youth group and there was this general lovey-dovey-warm-fuzzy-kind-of-feeling when you walked in. People are supposed to like you when you walk in. (whether or not it happens is a different story!) You are supposed to learn deep mysteries about the world here and beyond. Your brain and heart are supposed to be challenged as you meet with other serious spiritual seekers!



But its been a long time since I have been. And the reason I went the other day was for work.



So I have been thinking about the whole church thing. I was blown away with the beauty of this particular church and just all that it has to offer in terms of atmosphere and awe. I was dwarfed by its high arching ceilings and stained glass windows. There were candles in there that were bigger than I am! Everything in there is carefully crafted with a purpose and with beauty. I know that God doesn't literally live in the church, but us humans have built a pretty nice cage for Him (Her/They... i will go with Him simply because that is what I am used to. God is beyond gender and what kind of genatalia He posesses is really irrelevant.) So anyways... I went to church... I always get so sidetracked on weird tangents! I was listening to the Father deliver a message and I watched the eyes of a lot of people light up. Even though it was just for a wedding people were in there looking for answers and looking for something more. It made me miss where I have been. I like looking for answers and my eyes will light up with every opportunity I get, but church is not the place where I want to do that anymore.

I want to experience God and truth and love outsides the sterile confines of the sanctuary. I want to interact, experience, try, fail, and live out this faith, this hope, this spirituality... whatever you want to call it! There is dangerous safety and safe danger out there and I want to live it!

I have no issue about doing that with a church. There have been churches, pastors, and even christians that have inspired me to seek out the best for myself and others. It can be done! I long to go to a building, a sanctum, that lives the life that they advertise and can positively influence me to do the same outside the confines of its walls.

So all this to say that I went to this church to "work." I stood in awe and the beauty of a building that I hope was inspired by the awe, majesty, and beauty of the Creator (there! no gender identification!). I was inspired to quietly contemplate beauty. I was pushed to be still and silent and take in the grandeur that surrounded me. I was challenged to rethink the way that I interacted with things greater than me and why I wasn't doing this more often.

There was also a little metal box that read "FOR POOR thank you." There is a deeper message in there somewhere and I can't wait to find it.

...and a big-titted blonde

My dad told me a joke the other night that I found funny. That sentence alone is worth blogging about because his jokes are severely lacking in the HA HA category. He gets dozens of them sent to him by various friends through the wonder of the internet. Without these jokes the only emails he would be getting would be how to grow his penis a few more inches and how a prominent diplomat in Nigeria wants to share his money with you as long as you send him money first! The interesting thing is that my dad's memory is going. Its definitely not a funny situation, but the fact that he remembers a siginificant number of jokes to relay to myself and the rest of the family is astounding. He should work in a comedy club... but anways, here is the joke:

George Bush and Dick Cheney are sitting in a bar in Texas having a couple of drinks and talking. Another customer happens to notice and walks over and asks, "Excuse me sirs, but are yo... are you... ?" George Bush nods at the man and informs him that they are the Heads of State. The man, still flustered, says,"its such an honor to be drinking with you in the same bar! If you don't mind and its not too personal, what are you guys talking about?" The president replies, "We are just planning world war III." The man is obviously shocked and asks, "World War III? Wow! Whats going to happen?" George Bush looks at the man and says, "Its going to be a glorious fight. 14 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits will die as the United States of America wins the war in the name of oil... i mean democracy." The man is amazed at the nation's most important secrets but then with a puzzled look asks the president, "I don't get it... what's with the blonde with the big tits?" And with that President Bush exclaims, "I told ya Dick! No one is going to care about 14 million muslims!"

(Just as a disclaimer... I am sure this conversation never actually happened and I am sure that the president would not be sitting in some hole and discussing matters of national security so flippantly. Also I have no issue whatsoever with Muslims and I am not a supporter to the conflict/war. So... this is just to say that I am not insensitive. There is a point to my madness! Oh yeah, and I have nothing against blondes with big tits either! Ha!)

So that joke really isn't that funny, but it did make me think. How often have I missed the point because of the bright and shinny objects with the pretty colors. How often have I gone done the wrong path because it felt like the right way to go even though I was going off in the completely wrong direction. I realize that it is fairly easy to play with someone's minds and perceptions. You can be a spin doctor on anything and make it sound plausible, credible, and even amazing!!!

Moral of the story... be wary of big-titted blondes, love Muslims, and be cautious with diplomatic who share top secrets with you. Thats the way I live my life!

stories in people watching

thinking, originally uploaded by impactmatt.

Sometimes I catch people just hanging or just chilling out. I don't catch them like they are falling out of the sky, but I notice them even though there is nothing all that notice-able about them. So I guess they catch me off guard. They live in a separate world but yet they share a little bit of mine. We share the space we are presently in, but their story is different. They have a different group of friends. Their experiences are unique to mine. But eventually if we dig deep enough we will realize that we have common interests, stories, and friends (or friends of friends). We have read the same books and watched the same movies. We order the same thing at restaurants and have walked the same streets.

Look at me getting all deep!

Basically what I am saying is that people watching is fun and I do it from time to time and when I get really bored, I invent stories about the people I see and play out their lives in my head! So take this guy above:

"Why did I wear this jean jacket? Its so retro. I can't pull of this look! I might as well grab my hypercolor t-shirt and my Vuarnet sunglasses and put on my L.A. Gear shoes. I am too old for this shit. I have more gray hair than a black and white movie. No wonder I am sitting here all alone. I should be sitting here with the love of my life. We should be planning our vacation to visit the grandkids and what we are going to do with the money I won from that Centrum Silver contest. Instead of planning my golden years, I am sitting here in my jean jacket. That Kevorkian guy has a good idea. Maybe I'll trade my jacket for "an early check-out."

or perhaps,

"Why is this guy taking a picture of me... OK, ok... be cool man... just be cool. Its just a coincidence. He doesn't know what I did... there is no way they could have found the body yet. I buried it so, so deep! Damn! He is still looking at me with that camera! Something is not right here... Ok pretend he's not there. Look innocent... no one knows anything. All right, if I need to run I am going to have to make a break for it soon and then if he follows me... well, I will just have to be sure that I bury him deeper than I did the first guy."

Man... i need a lot of help...

i am a poulet serial killer!

egg, originally uploaded by impactmatt.

The only eggs that I used to eat were scrambled or omelette style. Everything else made me sick. Though it looks pretty and is very iconic, the traditional yellow and white of an egg did not work with my tastebuds. I could stand boiled eggs until I threw up at a restaurant when I was six and it smelt like eggs and grape juice. The appreciation of grape juice came back... not the rank vomitey smell of boiled eggs... breakfast anyone?

But a couple of months ago I started making eggs over-easy and that I could handle. But then I was wracked with immense guilt! My wife and I just had a baby and thats all I could think of one day when I cracked open an egg. Thats a little baby chick that will never come into existence because I like breakfast foods at anytime of the day! I am taking a little chicken fetus and cooking it up like the diabolical beast that I am! I was there when my wife gave birth and I had the honor of catching him. I was the first person to hold him on this planet and I can't imagine something more special. I saw the placenta pop out a little later... and even eggs have a little placenta-like thing attached to it!!! (you can even see it in the picture!) So I am haunted. What if some huge cosmic being decided to crack my mom open and slowly pour me out into a universal frying pan! Or whisking me until all my guts and innards are one nice frothy mixture.

So yeah... i felt guilty for a while. But I make these really good breakfast sandwiches with three over-easy eggs! They are really good... but thats what I think about everytime I crack open an egg.