17 hour shift

I can feel the anger swelling within me.

Slowly.

But surely.

It grows.

I want to stand still. I need to be statuesque pillar of unyielding apathy. But I am buried in box and it makes my body convulse in rage. "I dont want to hear your problems anymore. I got my own! You don't want to help me with mine, so bugger off!"

My throat constricts like I have put on twenty pounds and my shirt has shrunk in the wash. Its so tight and as i stretch and pull on it, it only gets tighter. I want to scream but I know that will only make me more angry... and frustrated. I can only scream so much and then I won't be able to anymore. i am angrier than that.

My mind races with thoughts. Its like being in the front row of a movie theatre during a car chase scene. Its blurry and nauseating. You can't see clearly whats going on, but I get the idea of whats happening. As my mind struggles, it gets sleepy. Maybe it just wants to roll over and die. I feel defeated. I am an dark, pulsating, open wound in an ocean of psychotic great whites. Might as well let the frenzy take over and accept what is coming to me. I am infuriated that i am hypocritically both wound up and fatigued.

I want to wipe an endangered species of the face of the planet. I want to laugh at someone's misfortune. I want to jump through the hole in the ozone and let my anger burn me to a cancerous crisp.

Its spreading.

An ominous harbinger of hatred.

I'm consumed.

voulez vous couchez avec moi?

I started watching my favorite movie today... A big tough guy like me? What would it be? Yup! You guessed it! MOULIN ROUGE!

I am a visual person, so the colors, lights, sets, the blending of medium... loves it!!! I saw this movie in theatres and I fell in love. I ended up seeing it two more times in the theatre and bought it the first day it came out on DVD.

Besides the visual amazingness, the music is great, and the story is even better. It seems like such a simple thing. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl is a hooker. Don't seem so shocked. It worked for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. But this one goes a step further. Besides the romantic storyline, this is a deeply emotional and spiritual story. It deals with Freedom, Truth, Beauty, and Love. These are four principles that carry this movie along. Within the twisted lives of our heroes who seem to be trapped and opposite they find the freedom through each other and their art. The whole story lives and pushes forward with lies and deception, however the Truth is always just around the corner and we see that is what ends up winning. Beauty is found in the music, the lights, the dance, the passion, the character, and the goodness of their hope. And above all else, there is love. We get to see the difference between what jealousy will do and how love conquers it.

The story line echos and overlaps and copies itself throughout the movie. The story starts off with a writer writing a story about a story which he is writing which is a story that is happening the echoes the story. Confused... yeah. It can be. Watch this movie though and you will go crazy and it will make so much sense!

the big 3 - OH!

So I turned 30 the other day. I haven't really considered it. I am not avoiding my age. Yeah it sucks that I can't eat what I want and abuse my body with all-nighters and 3 rugby games in a day, but I am ok with that. I don't feel that old (as I say that, I have this nagging pain in my back that makes me get out of a chair slower than Homer Simpson) and I don't look old, so I am all good.

However, I am worried that I am not wiser than I should be. I have been through a lot and experienced many wonderful things. However there are many things that I have experienced that are not so wonderful. Now thats ok too. I mean we take the good with the bad and we learn from both, but I wonder...

Have I learned enough from the bad? Have I matured enough in my 30 years and 9 months on this planet to not make the same mistakes? I feel I have, but I know that I am not the most mature guy there is. I still retain that "boyish charm!"

You guys can watch that for me!

auto-pilot...

I am on auto-pilot today. I am so tired. As I type this my eyelids are slowly closing like a lazy sunset on a Saturday afternoon. My eyes are starting to cross and the words are slowly becoming fuzzy and then black. I was up at 5:10am this morning and I don't know how I made it out of the house. I know that at some point I did make it out of the house because the below zero temperatures did wake me up temporarily as I trudged to the bus-stop.

But from there, I know that I slept until I got to the metro and in zombie-like fashion I got off the bus and make my way down to the metro platform and onto the awaiting subterranean train. From there I slept another 30 minutes to my stop. I got up and got off the metro and plodded my way to work, waking briefly due to the cold once again. Once upstairs I got my stuff settled and then I went to boil some water, where my coworkers found me in a semi-standing position awaiting my watched pot. It took a while, so I got the chance for a mini power nap.

So now I am sitting here... trying to be creative and awake. My mind and body are dreaming of duvets and plump pillows, the warmth of a recently vacated bed, and having someone who won't mind my morning breath and snoring to spoon with.

if I were Beyonce...

Here is one more sign that pop-music is just... I don't even know how to describe it. I cannot tell you how much I dislike this song. It sounds like I don't have much to say... but I do.

(For those of you who like this song, you are completely entitled to do so. My wife enjoys this song and i would never dare cross her. So you are in very good company. However, I think this is one of the worst songs ever!)

So allow me to launch into my tyrade!

I have never heard such a bunch of whiney tripe in my life. Basically Beyonce feels that if she was a boy she could sleep in, drink beer, chase after girls, and scratch herself however she wants. And then somehow if she was a boy she would be able to redeem the whole male race by listening.

Now, I now I may not be listening to this song properly, but excuse me if the rich, attractive girl is in such a tough spot that she wishes she were a boy. Good for her if she is standing up for all the women who have been wronged by men, but please... really...? A whiney song? Thats how you're going to fix it?

If Beyonce was a boy she would be called BOYonce. If she was a boy her singing career would have never taken off and she would be sans her hubby Jay-Z. If she were a boy she would be a lonely guy with a fat ass.

Sorry if this comes off as insensitive, but this song just bothers me...

If you dare watch the video, here is the link:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=EpND5kz8AQk

pushed around

Sometimes you get put in your place. It sucks to realize that you are completely powerless in some situations. No matter how big or how important you are at some point you will be at the mercy of someone else and there is nothing you can do about it. What do I mean?

Well lets say you got and appointment at the doctor or some other highly paid professional individual. His rules states that if you don't cancel at least 24hours before, you have to pay 50% of what it would have cost you. If they don't show up, you're the one left holding the bag. Or how about this situation? You call up your phone company because you have moved and you need to have your line installed/activated. "Not a problem sir," they tell you, "We will be able to have a representative at your location between this Tuesday at 1pm and Friday at 4pm." Can you really afford the time off to watch a guy press a couple buttons and be on his way? But you really have no choice.

No real deep meaning today. Just pure frustration at being the little guy that has to follow along as best as he can. Its really frustrating!

PS The above picture is not actually in regard to this topic, but it could like like it.

tough time sleeping...

My wife and I are trying this new sleep thing with our little one. This new technique if you will is really tough on him and us. Its only a day or so old, so we will see how it ends up. We were used to the baby crying and we pick him up and tap him and hold him and do whatever we can to get him back to sleep. It wasn't easy, but there were things we could do and they worked. And to be honest I liked the idea of being able to help. I liked being able to hold him and feel like we were bonding. There was something in it for him and for me. Now, we let him cry in his crib. We are right there, talking with him and patting him to try and calm him down, but its rough. The cries of your son are so heartwrenching and you just want to fix it for him.

So we are going through this tough time now, but I am sure that my little guy will be able to pull through it without any major problems. So I am with him at around 1am and I am laughing uncontrollably at his attempts to get to sleep. He had just finished crying and now we has doing every random thing you could possibly do. He was dragging his hands across the bars of his crib, enjoying the sound. He would roll from side to side. He was banging his hands on the mattress and then on his legs. He even ended up talking to himself (it was just babbling, but I know he is talking. He understands himself). He would even look at me and smile as if for approval. I was laughing out loud at one in the morning!!!

I love that kid. I can't wait to get back home and see him.