Sugar off!

tall.trees, originally uploaded by impactmatt.

Its spring time again in Montreal! Its the time when the temperature creeps up past freezing and the 5 feet of snow build up melts down to only 3 feet. Its the time when Montrealers put on t-shirts and celebrate the sun, even though it really is still too cold for that kind of thing. Winter tires get wore down and the potholes that were filled up by the snow are now filled up with water (and small civilizations of stranded car owners that fell into them). It is also the time of year for a time honored Quebecois tradition of "la cabane a sucre!" In English that is called "sugar shacking," or "sugaring off." I don't like that last term... just sounds dirty. "Ahhhh why don't you just sugar!!!" "Why don't you sugar off?" "Sugar you!" "Sugar yourself!"

So what is this tradition that we partake in? Essentially it is to drive way out of town into the country, sit crammed up with hundreds of people you don't know, eat the fattiest foods known to mankind drenched in pure maple syrup, and then the next day start treatment for diabetes. Let me give you an idea of my last trip was like.

My wife and I get into the car to drive out to a little town that is called St Marc-sur-Richelieu-sur-le-lac-St-Ambrois-de-l'Assomption-de-la-Sainte-Marie-Colis-que-c'est-long-ce-nom-ville. This town cannot be found on the map or on any street signs because the name is actually bigger than the town itself. The only reason we can find the place because the line of parked cars stretch halfway back to the city. People are trudging along on the three mile long trek only to find out that someone has now left and there is a free spot in the parking lot. I drive by them and laugh and spit on their misfortune. Ha ha!

Once we park we now have to push our way to the front of the line as people glare at us because we have a reservation. At one point we are trapped like Chewbacca at a beastiality conference and cannot move. We are now being screamed at by old ladies who need their sugar insisting that we get out of their way. My wife is pregnant and doesn't take shit from anybody. She wants her food and shares some choice words with the fossils who are impeding her progress. Later we find out that these seniors had "an accident." My wife refuses to speak about it without a lawyer present.

Finally we get to our table and our group. I am meeting them for the first time as they are my wife's coworkers. They are already eating their pea soup. Now if you have never had it, it looks like snot, mixed in with vomit and bile. Its really good though! I look around and people are freely pouring maple syrup into their soup. There is also something called cretons. Its usually in brick form and you spread it on toast. Its grey and lifeless looking even though it has a higher fat content than deep fried crisco. More maple syrup is added. There is also something called "oreilles de christ." I am not sure of the spelling but it means Christ's ears. Basically these are deep fried pig fat. Again they are really good drowned in maple syrup or straight up. What I find interesting is that I don't think Jesus would have an major issue with his name being used as a nickname for food its just that, being a Jew, deep fried pig fat is certainly not kosher nor healthy. The food continues with eggs, ham, sugar pie, deep fried dough balls, and some other sweet treat that has yet to be defined. The whole time we are begging for more and fighting over the random pourings of coffee. Good times!!! McDonalds has nothing on these sugar shacks!

We got outside where we are swarmed by cigarette smoke and kids throwing snowballs. Kids are falling, tackling each other in the mud, and trying to avoid getting swatted by their parents. Outside there is more maple syrup as it is being poured on virgin snow. At this point to try stabbing it with a popsicle stick and you try rolling it to make the world's most ghetto lollipop. This is immensely popular and the pushing and shoving continues. My wife somehow already has a collection of desugared popsicle sticks and is throwing crippled children out of the way to get more.

The next step is to patiently wait for the sleigh ride. Basically there are two overworked horses that will pull roughly 25-30 people around in the snow. This is quite fun and as city folk we make comparisons to our subway and horrible transport system. The horse make their customary bowel movement and the maple syrup smell is now blended with horse shit... mmmmmm! However this doesn't stop the majority of sleigh riders and they head straight back to the maple syrup on snow upon our return. Again my wife is trampling people to get her sugar fix. The people serving the syrup already call her by name.

So thus ends our little sugar escapade. I am still suffering from the shakes as I come down from my sugar high. Great times... glad it only happens once a year!!!